The Geek’s Garden Part 2: A Man, A Plan, A Laser Measure

I was alerted to the existence of Monty Don’s Big Dreams Small Spaces (MDBDSS) a few weeks ago, which helped a fair bit with inspiration. Though I would like to discuss with the BBC their definition of “Small Spaces”, given that only two gardens of the twelve featured were on a similar scale to our 18m2. In both these instances, Britain’s Favourite Gardener (a title I presume Monty Don won by beating Alan Titchmarsh to a pulp in a cage before thousands of hooting Gardener’s World fans) pretty much confirmed my first thoughts: a vertical garden is the best option in such an enclosed space.

Bow before my Sketchup skills!
The left side is North.

The fence running along the northern wall is the most logical place to plant upwards, as it gets the most sunlight. Unfortunately the extant fence is, frankly, a shambles and I don’t think it can take the weight, so I’m going to have to replace it with something a lot sturdier.

Great artists steal. From garden centres, if need be.
Great artists steal. From garden centres, if need be.


I won’t take up the entire wall with herbs, because there is an upper limit to the amount of seasoning two people can consume. The yard is divided into uneven thirds by bricks that support the north wall, and the largest middle section will be where the herbs live. The western segment will be an assortment of cottagey flowers, and to the eastern side there will be some trellis with a mirror on accompanied by some climbing plants, an idea stolen shamelessly from a local garden centre.


This'll really confuse cloud-to-butt users
A water butt! No idea what to accompany it with, though…

I’ve already repainted the southern wall, which is external to our extension, because it was a hideous yellowish colour turned brown with years of grime and mud. It’s now a standard issue plain white. Attached will be some trellis, and a climbing rose suitable for shade will wind around the bathroom windows. That’s the idea, anyway.

There’s not much to the eastern wall as it’s taken up by windows and drains, but a potted tree, possibly a bay tree to fit with the edible theme, will sit in the corner, behind a bench. The western wall is still a blank canvas; I have not been able to make a decision whether to use it for further climbing plants, some raised bedding, or a gurt big water feature. Ideas on the back of a postcard, please!

On top of the grand designs (home improvement pun!) I’ve laid out above, the whole thing needs re-paving, because the current paving doesn’t cover all of the floor and is best described in style as “robbed from a council leftovers pile in the 1950s”.

The 3D models dotting this article were created in Sketchup, which is free and handy for planning out a space properly instead of on the back of an envelope. Another thing that helped was the ELEPHAS laser measuring tool I picked up a few weeks ago, as it made getting the exact measurements of the yard really easy.

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